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1
afternoon sun-
bodies on streets,
crowded water

2
a farting jet -
I smell panic, in the air

3
an electric fan
whispers refreshing caresses

4
grey sky
sun glimpses over
washed paintings

5
he took so much time to win,
like a 60 years old man
Viagra he needs

6
sound installation--
fight and screams-
I win

sound cables
from plugs to plugs
headache

7
Secrets -
a phantom dances
in Neverland

arena funeral -
a sad smile
all around the world

8
piles of petris
and anaerobes -
suffocation

9
glued on seat
the bus brings me home-
dead end

10
At late evening-
music coming from TV,
resuscitate my dead body

11
dirty brushes, toilet paper-
on balcony, moon shines
a drying painting

body painted legs
lay on the sofa

12
warm breeze,
yellow fields -
a red dress floats

13
green pond
under trees,
a dog splashes

Sunny afternoon,
Stream of ice-creams
along the lake shore

Hot air,
noses suffer
in buses
©2009 `cybergranny
:iconcybergranny:

Author's Comments

I just updated last week, sorry for the delay but lot of work + hot temp just made my brain crash ^^

Taking part in July Summer Haikuthon
You all should join in :w00t:

More info in =Iscariot-Priest's journal [link]

First day

It was really hot and I was out of energy
Edited with =Iscariot-Priest's critique
old version:
Blazing afternoon spots
inert bodies on streets,
crowded water



Second day

Panic aboard an Iberia Airbus in flight to Rio
The passengers lead to mass hysteria in a plane forced to return for technical reasons.

After more than an hour of yoyo, the captain decided that he would turn back because of technical problems. To land safely, he started to dump fuel.
Seeing thick smoke coming from the wings of aircraft, passengers began to panic.



Third day

I went to my painting workshop and there was a fan, sooo cool and sexy :eyes:
Edited it with =Iscariot-Priest's advise



Fourth day

We went to a manifestation of artists painting in the streets. They tried to paint several times when the sun was showing but the rain was not far away and they had often to close and protect their stuff.

So we spent the major part under tents drinking and talking.



Fifth day

It took so much time to win for Federer, that's insane as I am ;p

Edited it according to =Iscariot-Priest critique, I hope that it's better now.

old version: He’s like a 60 years old man -slow shot-
Viagra he needs,
to accelerate preliminaries



Sixth day

we had some problems by my mother computer to install the sound (headphones + speakers), we even fought with my husband but I was right and it finally worked ^^


Seventh day

[link]
and Bambi funeral



Eight day

I'm a medical lab and works currently in bacteriology. We had lot of work and many anaerobic germs that stink as hell, it quite killed me that day

Ninth day

I was in the bus to go to my painting artwork, I had to change and take another one, but my body was so tired that I stayed in it instead and went directly home to crash on the sofa


Tenth day

I was relaxing my poor body on the sofa, looking at a very good TV music show, it made me stand up and move my body woohoo


Eleventh day

I did a mess painting on the balcony, and even let many oil splashes on my legs lol


Twelfth day

We had a little walk with friends in the campaign and it was a windy (for once that I have a dress haha)


Thirteenth day

We looked for freshness and went to a pond in the forest with my parents and my mother's dog

A bit later I went to the lakeside with my father and ate wonderful ice-creams, almost everybody had one cause it was really hot and they are delicious :drool: (it was the first time that I bought some there but surely not the last time :D

I took the bus for returning home and it was really stinky with everybody sweating

Critiques


:iconiscariot-priest:
Welcome to the thon, I hope you're enjoying the deplorable summer heat so far. Since you've asked for crit, I'll go over it with a bit more detail.

I like your use of personification throughout most of the pieces. However, many are wordy with adjectives that don't really help expand the image. BTW, why the mature filter?

Day 1: A bit on the wordy side, "blazing atmosphere" is an unusual way to describe hot weather, but it doesn't help the reader visualize anything more, not even telling the time of day. I'm on the fence with "spots". On one hand it sounds interesting that the hot weather can be spiteful as to target people. On the other hand, it makes line one run into line two- forcing the two to be one sentence. Plus an "atmosphere" suggest it's all encompassing, so "spot" becomes an oxymoron. :/
I like the phrase "crowded water".

Day 2: Ha ha, I would never have guessed that's what you'd meant without the explanation. Heck of a pun. It does explain the really odd choice of comma placement in line two.

Day 3: The one I like the most so far. Nice personification with "whisper refreshing caresses". Though is it necessary to mention that the fans are spinning - I mean what else do fans do, oscillate? Describing what kind of fan, say "ceiling fan" or "paper fan" would give more bang for buck.

Day 4: Your artist comment stands in stark contrast to the haiku itself, which sounds miserable. The image I get from it is: cloudy weather --> rain washes away the painting --> sun comes again. The "-tears-" bit was also unusual, and assuming it represents rain (I'm not fan of metaphor in haiku BTW), there's a lot of action in line one, while two lines are devoted to the single moment of the sun appearing over washed out paintings. The core of the haiku is good though, how nature alters human constructs to its own whim.

Day 5: Way, way wordy. Do you really need a simile and some yoda speak to say "Sportsman took ages to win"?

Thanks for writing. :)
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconjade-pandora:
Glad you finally made it! :glomp:

This should be a great month!

--
:iconcybergranny:
Thanks a lot :glomp:

--
There are no bored people only lazy people
:spank: :spank: :spank: me please :lick:

A BIG THANK TO =psivamp for the cute avatar she made me :grope:
:iconclaudiacasanova:
Wow. I love this. The jet haiku reminded me of bukowski though. :D

excellent work

--
To be or not to be?

meh, lets just eat some pancakes and call it a day.

Clubs: *RawEm0tion ~PoeticPeace ~PoeticPath ~da-library ~Writers-Guild-DA *degrees-of-love *WordCount *LiteraryUnderground
:iconcybergranny:
:giggle:

--
There are no bored people only lazy people
:spank: :spank: :spank: me please :lick:

A BIG THANK TO =psivamp for the cute avatar she made me :grope:
:iconcybergranny:
Thanks a lot :lol:
but who is Bukowski?

--
There are no bored people only lazy people
:spank: :spank: :spank: me please :lick:

A BIG THANK TO =psivamp for the cute avatar she made me :grope:
:iconclaudiacasanova:
You have not lived.

Look him up, dear.

A little crud old man who writes poetry.

--
To be or not to be?

meh, lets just eat some pancakes and call it a day.

Clubs: *RawEm0tion ~PoeticPeace ~PoeticPath ~da-library ~Writers-Guild-DA *degrees-of-love *WordCount *LiteraryUnderground
:iconreddragonfly:
Like 13 about the dog, very clear.

--
Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.

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